15 Great Reasons To Visit

Written by: Alex Sandell

Ah . . . Texas. The Lone Star State. Sure, there's no Walt Disney World, Mall of America, or signs of intelligent life; but does that mean we should honestly grant it its wish, and leave it well enough alone, as its own country? Should the rest of us, as civilized humans, leave behind all the great attractions that Texas has to offer? I think not.

Using a few pamphlets (primarily consisting of pictures, and randomly scattered attempts at writing), and a little help from Texas resident, and semi-regular contributor to these pages, Bubba Dorkweiner, I have found 15 great reasons to visit Texas. At least in the eyes of a Texan. Sure, you won't really have fun at any of these places, but people, it's who you were.

Don't hide from your past. Travel to Texas, and look backward, for a few days. Yes, it is hard to face the fact that our ancestors were like this, hundreds and hundreds of years ago. But evolution had to start somewhere, and Texas was kind enough to let it stop, at approximately that same time; giving more evolved creatures an idea of what it was like.

So, put on them shitkickers, and your grubbiest ten-gallon hat! It's time to get primitive, y'all!

Plantation Land
This is Texas's most popular tourist attraction; at least for residents of Texas. Go back in time, before them "crummy liberal Northern folk from up North" "wrecked everything" by winning the Civil War. In "Plantation Land", you will find white actors dressed up in realistic black-face makeup, portraying slaves of old.

Actual African-American actors were considered, but found the idea of "working for free" and "getting whipped a lot" to convey "a sense of realism," was a bit much. That don't mean you might not meet up with some black man trying to put an end to what he calls a "racist" theme-park. Free rocks are provided, and ready for throwin', if you meet up with one of these "ad-vo-cits."

Plan on making a day out of it. "'Plantation Land': There Ain't No 'Kunta Kinte's' here!"

"You Make 'Em a Die, We Let 'Um a Fry" BBQ Pit
Mmm . . . nothin' like a little beer drinkin', and a good Texas BBQ, to cap off a nice day of beer drinkin' and pork rinds! But what if . . . just what if we could do that, one-better? "It wouldn't be possible?!?" Tourists (mostly from nearby cities) have proclaimed. Well, we did it!

At "You Make 'Em a Die, We Let 'Um a Fry" BBQ Pit, you actually kill your own pig, cow, chicken, turkey, snake or lizard, and hand it to our cook, who throws it on that "oh-so-nice" BBQ grill, and hands it back to you, 3 minutes later, ready for a eatin'!

We can tell ya, straight out, that nothin' tastes better than a good, bloody, dead animal. Nothin' besides a good, bloody, dead animal, that's just been a killed!

We ask you provide your own weaponry, and are not responsible for any accidental shootings of family, friends, patrons, or foot.

The Famous Mexican Shooting Gallery
The most popular shooting gallery in the friendly state of Texas. "The Famous Mexican Shooting Gallery" is located directly on the border, between Texas, and Mexico, where sportsmen are given a clear shot at Mexicans trying to sneak their way across the river. C'mon, this is our country. Let's make sure they know that!

The Frivolous Lawsuit Museum
This attraction was doing extremely poorly, due to most Texans not knowing what "frivolous" means, or what a "museum" was. But, since suing world-famous Oprah Winfrey over her sinful "I'm never eating a hamburger again" comment, which put the cattle industry into a downward spiral which it is still trying to climb back out from, the museum has picked up a little steam. From make-believe "lawyers" with moronic nicknames such as "Tex," "Lone Star," and "Bippy Boo-Poo," to genuine members of the bar, trying to run legal "aliens" off of the land, after watching an intense episode of "The X-Files"; this museum has it all!

Live Execution Center
What decent Texan doesn't like roasting marshmallows, outside of a prison, where a criminal is being executed? But what if you could actually roast the marshmallow, over the criminal? That's right! Bring lots of 'mallows down to the fire, and watch one evil human die, after another! All this, while letting their murdering bodies go to good use, as you make hot, deeeeeeeeelicious S'mores, over their charred remains! On the odd occasion where our natural born right to view Capital Punishment isn't being executed by the Government, in the Lone Star State; illegal immigrants will be substituted for convicted criminals. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Trailer Park World
Drive your car through the largest trailer park in America! Laugh over the white trash complaining about how much they hate "criminals," "fags," and the "Federal Government" always being "on their backs." If you're looking close enough, you'll see Billy-Bob, standing nude on top of his trailer-house, claiming he's God. Maybe Betty Sue and Biff will be mounting each other, in a wonderful display of reproductive nature, and sibling love. If you're really lucky, you might even get to be a spectator on an episode of t.v.'s top-rated "Cops"!

The management at "Trailer Park World" asks that you keep your windows rolled up at all times, and doors locked, for your own safety. Have a good time!

The Texas Spinning Golf Course
Special-effects, Texas style! The golf course doesn't actually spin, it's an illusion caused by finishing off your second complimentary six-pack!

Note: There is only one hole on the course, and it's a dartboard.

Unfortunately, the remaining "great reasons to visit Texas" were 8 various bars. Oddly enough, all had the same name. When asked what people that don't drink should do for the rest of their stay, Bubba simply replied with, "walk around, and shoot stuff."


1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy any of this, without permission, you'll be forced to talk "real slow," and say "y'all" a lot.