Blame God:
It's All His Fault
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Time and again, people are thanking God.  "Thank God at least two of us lived through the tragic fire that took 22 lives," you hear victims of a massive gas explosion spouting off on the local "news."  "I'd like to thank God for this award I received for being a rich, pompous snob," say actors and musicians.  "Jesus is my favorite philosopher" said our current president in a debate a few years ago. 

I'm here to straighten this whole "thanking God" thing out.  God definitely doesn't mind being thanked for all that he's accomplished (he's done even more than Thomas Edison), but he's starting to feel as though he's taking too much credit from humans for the good that he does, and receiving no bitterness from his puny creations, when it comes to the bad junk that's continually happening in the world. 

People thank God for ...

The rainbow of Converse All Star shoes they've worn over the past 15 years.  They're so much fun to look at, and even better to wear.  Better than anything else, they're not owned by Nike!

People never blame God when ...

Nike buys Converse for 305 million dollars, and is now the proud owner of the Chuck Taylor shoes that have been worn on the feet of discriminating counter-culture freaks for nearly a century.  Nike plans to market these infamous shoes in revolutionary stores such as "Target" and "Wal-Mart."  I'm sure the price will be jacked up from $35.00 to around $150.00.  Of course the price will be justified, due to the shoes being "special edition" Converse All Stars, with glowing crap in the back and Michael Jordan's name plastered all over the canvas.

People thank God when ...

A storm knocks out an episode of Barney, and their kids actually have to do something productive, like bitch about missing Barney.

People never blame God for ...

The fact that that purple dino-bastard ever existed in the first place.

People thank God when ...

They've finally found that "special someone."

People never blame God when ...

They find out that "special someone" just cheated on them 32 times.  In one night.  At a rave. 

People thank God when ...

They find that their "special someone" only cheated on them 32 times because he or she was slipped some ecstasy, and feeling in touch with his or her "inner-feelings."

People never blame God when ...

They find out that their "special someone" did the cheating at a truck-stop in Idaho, where there was no ecstasy, but they were "horny," because of the long time they spent "on the road," delivering FEDEX packages.

People thank God when ...

He shows mercy and finally ends a tortured cancer victim's life.

People never blame God for ...

The torturous cancer the victim was damned with, and the fact that Dr. Jack Kevorkian is stuck in jail, due to a 60 Minutes special.

People thank God for ...

Friday.

People never blame God for ...

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

People thank God when ...

They win that big MTV Music Award.

People never blame God for ...

VH1's behind the music, which shows them trading the award they won for a bag of heroin, after MTV's dumped them, and they've turned into has-been junkies.

People thank God when ...

They see the "patriotism" of the Wal-Mart chain.  All those happy minimum-wage employees all proud to defend their store, after signing an (illegal?) release stating that they will never try to bring a Union into the company (no wonder prices keep "dropping").

People never blame God for ...

All of those American flags on display at Wal-Mart, when almost all of their products, including their own items, are produced for slave-labor in foreign countries. 

People thank God when ...

They can get the hottest new release for a cheap price at the "patriotic" Wal-Mart.

People never blame God for ...

The fact that the CD they just bought, and cannot return (because of some bogus "copyright" law, which is really a law meant to force people to keep products that they never meant to purchase, or items that are absolutely horrible), is censored in accordance to Wal-Mart's demands.  So you're stuck listening to a CD with a bunch of "silent" moments where "offensive" words are supposed to be.  But of course the "family friendly" chain still sells guns, and the hell if they bother to "edit" the violent video games (or books, for that matter) they market.  So almost anyone is able to buy an FPS (First Person Shooter) and blow the hell out of everything on screen (in an extremely graphic fashion).  Once the kiddies have practiced, who's to say that they won't go back to Wal-Mart and pick up a real gun and give it a go?  But at least the chain doesn't let Eminem say the word "fuck." 

People thanked God when ...

They found the Napster service, which allowed them to hear the CDs they were planning on buying before buying them.  Especially now that they couldn't take a CD back, even if it sucked. 

People didn't blame God for ...

Metallica, whose newest CD is the definition of "suck."  Now we know why Lars and the gang were so into tearing Napster down.

People thank God when ...

He supplies them with medical marijuana during the last days of the their painful existence.

People never blame God for ...

Moronic fools wasting tax-payer's money on this idiotic "war on drugs."

People thank God when ...

A true political progressive dares to speak out against fascism.

People never blame God for ...

The Bush Administration.

People thank God when ...

They get breast implants to make them feel good about "themselves."

People never blame God for ...

Leaking titties (and the fact that guys don't really give a damn what their girl's bra size is).

People thank God when ...

Their AIDS test comes back negative.

People never blame God for ...

The lack of birth control education in school, and the fact that they have now contracted HIV.

People thank God when ...

They nearly miss the drunk driver driving in the wrong lane.

People never blame God when ...

They end up in an a head-on collision with the drunk driver driving in the wrong lane, and lose three of their children, along with their left nut.

People thank God when ...

Their abusive husband is finally sent to jail.

People never blame God for ...

Their abusive husband.

People thank God when ...

They're able to exchange a defective DVD player, as long as they have the receipt.

People never blame God when ...

They lost the receipt (which was most likely never given to them), and they're stuck with a DVD player that only plays DVDs in a foreign language, which they can't understand.

People thank God when ...

They finally master that foreign language, so they can understand the DVDs they're watching.

People never blame God when ...

Their defective DVD player breaks, the day after they mastered the foreign language it kept playing.

People thank God when ...

They get a huge raise at Enron.

People never blame God when ...

Enron goes under due to corporate scandal, and they're left with nothing to do but pose in Playboy magazine.

People thank God when ...

They receive menial tax-cuts meant to protect the wealthiest of the wealthy, who don't pay taxes in the first place (it's called "off-shore banking."  It's also called "loopholes."  It's also called a "load of shit," but "Dubya" swears he's doing this for the McDonald's employees and janitors of the world).

People never blame God when ...

They realize George W's tax cut is only for the wealthiest of the wealthy, and they were played for fools voting for the con-artist who now pretends to be the President of the United States of America.  You know the one?  He actually lost the popular vote, and only won the presidency through fraudulent means that would make Nixon cringe. 

These folks never blame God when their property taxes go up.  Their sales and state taxes also shoot into the stratosphere, and it becomes evident that they're paying more in taxes, due to "Dubya's" tax-cut while the wealthy, who didn't pay dick in the first place, are paying in even less of the nothing that they were sending into the Government to begin with.

Got any thank/blame ideas of your own?  Email Alex!

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