Halo 2 - Master Chief Jade Empire  Conker - I Want You Nintendo: Donkey Kong - Bad Monkey Halo 2 - Arbiter
Posters, prints and shirts on sale now! Click above and buy some eye-candy for your walls (or masculine chest)!

The Top 20 Games of 2006
Games 15-11
Written by:  Alex Sandell

 

# 15 Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (Xbox 360)

    This one may be higher up on the list, but I already bought the first Lego Star Wars for the original Xbox and couldn’t believe Lucas Arts wanted me to PAY to unlock the characters from the prequel trilogy. If I can't defeat Darth Vader as Jar Jar Binks, what worth do I have as a human?  The 360 version itself – which is identical to the other versions, outside of some extra shiny junk reflecting everywhere like the entire game just got waxed and polished – already cost an additional $10 to play on the next-gen console. This one still gets a high place on the list, due to the fact that I'm a Star Wars fanboy and it's actually a good game.  Still, it's hard to look past being asked to pay a fee to unlock the characters that are free in the other versions of the game -- esp. when those versions of the games are cheaper (but less glossy). I seriously despise "Microtransactions" and have refused to support them from the start (outside of the few times where I've broken down and hated myself in the morning). They’re not so “Micro” anyway. Where were our free XBLA game for Christmas, MS?  Charging for Holiday Gamerpics?  Shame, shame!  Bill Gates is the Grinch who stole gaming.  Still, the various achievements do give this version of Lego Star Wars II quite a bit of extra gameplay that you'll probably never play, so it's not all bad.  And when it comes down to it, it's one hell of a fun game.    

# 14 Pac-Man (Xbox 360)

    When Pac-Man was announced as an Xbox Live Arcade game, I nearly spewed (the good kind of "spew" that comes from ones penis, not that nasty multi-colored kind that is poured out of an individual's throat).  Only Ms. Pac-Man bests it as the greatest old-school Arcade Game ever created for Old-School people to get all nostalgic over, and that title is coming out for XBLA in 2007 (although I won't purchase it until MS redeems the points I spent on games that I bought on my first 4 broken 360 units, so I can play them offline -- this is a problem I've dealt with now for going on 6 months).  I've already earned all 200 achievement points in Pac-Man and have burned funky pictures of Pac-Man trying to relive his glory days when people wrote songs about him ("Pac-Man Fever") into my plasma television set.  Pac-Man is like a modern-day Jesus.  A Christ that eats pellets and despises ghosts.  Ironic, being that Christ is part of the whole "Holy Ghost" thing.  Hypocrite Christ, eating Stinky, Blinky, Gassy and Snot.  Or wait ... were they the stars of that cheap knockoff that hit arcades a few months after the genuine article?    

# 13 Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day (Nintendo DS)

    The subtitle of this niche Nintendo title is:  "Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day."  That's most likely false advertising, but the game is the most addictive thing released since cool ranch dressing.  None of my teachers could get me interested in the whole "left brain" side of things.  Then this gimmicky handheld game comes along and I'm suddenly an Einstein at arithmetic.  Although it is doubtful it makes anyone any smarter, Brain Age does nicely show how much dumber a person gets when drunk.  My fiancée and I bought a bottle of Tequila and decided it would be fun to check our "Brain Age" after each shot.  By the 5th slam (not counting the grotesque worm), my "Brain Age" had went from genius to retarded.  Hers had went from mildly retarded to entirely corpse.  Nintendo has now proven that drunk girls are easy ... because they're legally dead!  By the 9th shot, we had both forgotten about the game and she decided to swallow the worm.  Get it?  Swallow the worm?!?  The title also managed to bring my mother back into gaming. Whenever she visits, she immediately wants to see how her Brain Age is coming along.  She gets mega-proud when she beats the super-drunk score I earned on blowjobs and Tequila.  Don't tell her.  She thinks I'm a virgin and that a "blowjob" is a quick way to dry out soaked clothing.    

# 12 Metroid Prime Hunters (Nintendo DS)

    A full-fledged, full-length Metroid Prime game contained on an itty-bitty handheld? Gamers screamed, "It can’t be done!” But gamers everywhere were proven wrong and, while not as good as Metroid Prime 1 & 2 for the underrated GameCube, this is still one amazing game.  You hunt stuff.  The graphics show that the DS is no slouch, looking better than pretty much anything out on the UMD Machine PSP.  The online gaming is a nice touch, but I still can't help but despise that friend code crap.  "We should play again soon!"  "Yes, I agree.  Message me at 4382-1803-8406-6802-5553-44321!"  Online complaints aside, this is the best $30 you'll ever spend on a video game.  Really.  And "ever" is a mighty long time.  One time I was grounded "forever" and sat in my room eating ramen noodles until I had to poop a "double-coupon" turd snake!  Later I became a fan of Rayman games.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Harry Knowles is an asshole.    

# 11 Ramen Rayman Raving Rabbids (Nintendo Wii)

    One word: FUN! That word is in all CAPS to let you know how fun it is.  Or should I say, "how FUN it is"?  No, it's not just fun ... it's FUN!  If you were one of the millions of unlucky Americans (or starving Ethiopians, yet to attain a copy of Pong) to not get a Wii, FUN is what you're missing.  That and waiting in line for hours on end in the freezing cold.  If you want a game that uses the Wii-mote in the best possible way, this is the one.  Your friend (or friends, if you ever get out of the house) will think you're the coolest guy on the block for owning it (as long as your friend/friends is/are geeks).  Even your parents, grandparents and nasty looking sister with the lopsided breasts will get hooked on this game like its digital smack (or breast augmentation).  Digital smack with rabbids.  Raving rabbids!  They like to rave.  Sort of like Britney Spears, only without the hideous shaved pussy hanging out like the wings of an elderly bat!    

<<<Back to games 20-16!|Forward to games 10-6!>>>

Your favorite game missing from the list?  Email to piss and moan!

Feeling left out? Stuck with a Last-Gen console in a Next-Gen world?  Not to worry!  Click to read The Best 45 Games You've Never Played (Or Need to Play Again)!  It's the ULTIMATE video game list and many of your favorites will be on it, all at mega-discounted prices!

©2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and your 360 will break within 3 months.  Er ... that'll happen anyway.  Just don't copy this!