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The Top 20 Games of 2006
Games 20-16
Written by:  Alex Sandell

 

# 20 Frogger (Xbox 360)

    My memories of this game were considerably fonder than the reality of what the game itself actually turned out to be when I eagerly forked over my cash points to download it to my Xbox 360. Itís a decent title, but moving a frog across a road and then across a pond over and over again is pretty geriatric.  For two years running in the 80s, my uncle had the high score at the arcade he frequented and now, all these years later, I can finally say, "Big fucking deal!  Let's see how you do with Ninja Gaiden!"  But that would be mean.  Sure, Frogger's an old game, but all these years later, being the #1 person on your Friend's List still counts for something.  Plus, I'm getting sorta old and a cute looking frog crossing streets and ponds is suddenly appealing to me, all over again ... in that scary way Trojan condoms and hand moisturizer appeal to horny college students.  Stupid horny college students and their dry hands.  I bet they could kick my ass at Ninja Gaiden -- with one hand tied behind their back and the other covered in lubricant.    

# 19 Texas Hold'em (Xbox 360)

    Nothing too new or exciting (did you expect anything more out of a game of poker?), but online tournaments are usually a blast. But for some reason half the people playing are stoned on the weed.  Have hippies turned into gamers?  Doesn't our generation have something to protest against?  Like a corrupt administration?  An unjust war?  The Apple iPod?  Anyway, if youíre into the game youíll be into this game, if that makes any sense (you may need some pot to figure that one out).  The only thing that totally sucks is that last guy you're always up against who goes out of his way to convince you that he's played one on one for "at least 17 hours," that he's "loaded up on the chronic" and will stay up "the whole damn night" and convinces you to go "all in" if you ever want to get to bed, go to work, have sex with your woman, etc..  If it's such a problem, maybe  he should go all in, blow his load and get his smoky lungs to bed.  I could sit and play for hours.  I have the new My Chemical Romance CD on a loop and nothing better to do than play this bastard until his bladder explodes.  So blow me, Mr. Convince Me To Lose Man!  That said, I still usually come in second place.  Those potheads have more patience than my sober ass ever does.    

# 18 Mutant Storm Reloaded (Xbox 360)

    If you like the kind of old-school arcade games where you ate half of a greasy pizza while listening to Juice Newton on the jukebox and downed a couple of pitchers of beer before staggering up to that gawky game machine, Mutant Storm Reloaded is your title.  I spent many hours -- even sober -- trying to beat this bitch.  If you're a senior gamer (IE - You were gaming well before Mario was even a sparkle in Miyamoto's lucrative golden eye) and if you pass this up, you're a complete fool and deserve to die a painful death.  Really.  One so painful only Edgar Allen Poe could come up with it.  In the days when he was still alive, of course.  Imagine Geometry Wars meets Tetris meets Asteroids and then imagine all the people, sharing all the world.  If you do, you may imagine a pretty groovy old-school quarter-sucker with a soundtrack by John Lennon.  After you play, you may want to stay in bed with some chick for a few days to "get us some peace."    

# 17 Prey (Xbox 360)

    Was it over-ambitious or not quite ambitious enough? Either way, while the game did have its fair share of problems, it was pretty fun and had a fairly compelling story (IE - a big Star Wars steal). Was it too easy? Definitely. Did it only fully explore about 10% of its true potential? Certainly. Was it a fun shooter in the Quake IV/Doom 3 realm? Without a doubt. Did it feature gigantic vaginas that had massive spiders crawling out of them?  Categorically!  The game's worth a rental (and possibly worth beating off over, if arachnid filled cunts don't bug you -- get it?  Bug you?), or even a purchase if you think you'll play it on a harder difficulty after you beat it on easy (get it?  "Beat it?"). Why are games so short, nowadays? If a game isnít 25 hours or more, it's really more like a digital appetizer before a massive feast.  Then again, this title has humungous vaginas that a horny guy could walk right into and eat a gigantic picnic lunch.  That's something, right?  Rugmunching counts as a feast, right?     

# 16 Viva PiŮata (Xbox 360)

    After the near disaster (and I'm being kind) that was Perfect Dark Zero; Rare took a step in the right direction, but still hasnít gotten within 118 miles of its glory days. Viva PiŮata sort of wanted to be Animal Crossing mixed with Pokemon. Instead, what you get is a game where you do a bunch of gardening while desperately trying to get Paper Mache animals to do the nasty and have even more Paper Mache animals, so kids can beat them to death (no, I'm not kidding).  Gardening like my grandma did, before she was bedridden by Parkinson's Disease.  It is a fairly addictive game that isnít as good as either of the other titles that it's emulating, but once you start playing it's pretty hard to stop and it is better than having Parkinson's Disease. Worth a purchase, if only to show MS that fans of the Xbox enjoy things other than massively violent shooters.  And Parkinson's.  MS fans avoid Parkinson's like they avoid the PS3.  And girlfriends.    

|Forward to games 15-11!>>>

Your favorite game missing from the list?  Email to piss and moan!

Feeling left out? Stuck with a Last-Gen console in a Next-Gen world?  Not to worry!  Click to read The Best 45 Games You've Never Played (Or Need to Play Again)!  It's the ULTIMATE video game list and many of your favorites will be on it, all at mega-discounted prices!

©2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and your 360 will break within 3 months.  Er ... that'll happen anyway.  Just don't copy this!