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Twenty Trivial Things I Did
in the Month of September
Written by: Alex Sandell
*Spent nearly 30 minutes trying to find a picture of the Trivial Pursuit "pie" so that I could turn it into a little button thingie next to each of these trivial things that I did. I finally just went with a damn asterisk. It's no one's "intellectual property," and attractive sites are overrated, anyway.
*Actually filled all 13 spots on my phone's memory dial without cheating by using Pizza Hut, the dollar store, and an ex-girlfriend's disconnected number!
*Drove to the liquor store and bought a 12 pack of Keystone beer, because it was cheap. Drove back to the liquor store and bought a 6 pack of Samuel Adams, because it was fit for human consumption.
*Had a dream that I was rich and famous, and Jason Alexander, who played George on Seinfeld, gave me a call, but got really pissed off with me when I couldn't remember who he was. Woke up and spent the next ten minutes wondering what a call from Jason Alexander would really be like. Spent another five minutes wondering how life would be different if I was Jason Alexander. Decided to masturbate.
*Bragged about running five miles per hour for five miles on my treadmill to a bunch of athletic people who could do that in their sleep.
*Socialized with athletic people.
*Spent two weeks calling my dog -- whose real name is Porthos -- "Moto," over and over again, to see if he'd respond to the "hello Moto" ad I had taped for that very purpose. So far, he hasn't.
*Tried using logic in an argument I was having with a devout Christian. It may not have been "trivial," but it sure was pointless.
*Attended Sweet Home Alabama (talk about your "trivial" movie) and took the time to write a review for it. Realized, a day later, when I was hospitalized, and didn't have access to the Internet, that I uploaded the "rough draft" version, rather than the completed one. Spent the next six days worrying about that more than my actual health.
*Spent six days in a hospital.
*Rewrote and uploaded completed version of Sweet Home Alabama review, which has probably never been read by anyone, since they already read the sucky rough draft version.
*Spent days trying to get a hold of a copy of the season premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (If you have the show on tape, please let me know.)
*Ate an entire box of Cap'n Crunch, to see if I still get "Cap'n Crunch mouth." I don't, but I do still get gut rot.
*Tried to explain the differences between Republicans, Democrats and superior third parties to a nurse who had voted for George W. Bush in 2000 because, "he was the only one up there fighting for the little guy."
*Watched The Anna Nicole Show . . . twice.
*Tried to find something made in the USA in a Wal-Mart store.
*Took the time to find some nifty posters to put up for sale on the top of this update, as if anyone, other than sympathetic family and friends, would ever actually support this site and order one.
*Took the time to write the last trivial thing I did in the month of September, as if anyone, other than sympathetic family and friends, are going to take it with anything more than a grain of salt.
*Colored outside the lines.
*Wrote this update, and now, if you've read this far, you can start your list of trivial things you did in October. Ain't I a stinker?
Email Alex. Do it now, before you forget!
HEY! Be back later in the week for Norman Solomon's newest column, and don't miss my review of the brand new Hannibal Lecter movie, Red Dragon, which will be online late Thursday night! In the meantime, get your Hannibal fix with my review of Hannibal!
©2002 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, spending a day in court with you will be the first trivial thing that I do in October.
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