The Juicy Cerebellum's 99% Accurate Horoscope

Alright, we all know our horoscopes are never accurate but, we still keep reading them anyway. Always drawn in by their magical charm. Looking for answers to the questions that we can't explain. Unless you're some sort of freak, I'm sure you've found yourself asking, "wouldn't it be nice, if just once, my horoscope could be 99% percent accurate?" Well, as always, The Juicy Cerebellum is here to help.

This is the official Juicy Cerebellum horoscope and, in the 'bellum's tradition of honesty and excellence, we're going to give you the truth. How is this done? Through amazing powers of observation, determination and, maybe a little help from the stars.

The predictions made in this horoscope are based on the next month of your life and guaranteed to be at least 99% accurate. So, hold onto your hats, true-believer, it's time for the truth!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You will accidentally spit on someone while talking.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You will say something really stupid and claim you "didn't mean it."

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You'll pee in the shower and then feel kinda gross afterward.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You'll wonder why you have to share your sign with a family car.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You'll fart and then try and put the blame on someone else.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You'll hope your body doesn't take the name of your sign literally.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You will laugh louder than you actually have to because, you'll want others to notice your fun.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Like a Virgo, HEY! For the very first time.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Something hanging from your nose will cause you embarrassment.

Scorpio (October 23-November 22)
At some point, you'll pretend to think something is funny that you actually think was totally stupid (like this horoscope).

Sagittarius (November 23-December 20)
You'll do something moronic and then do it again, just to make it look like you thought it was clever the first time. (Oh, did I mention that I'll be updating this section next month?)

Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
Nobody likes you Capricorn, just go away.

Go to the 2nd 99% accurate horoscope

And there you have it; the future is yours, do what you will with it. Remember, I offer personal, over the phone readings, for only $79.95 a second.

If you have any questions and/or comments about your future, please contact me at:

All writing on this page is 1997 Alex Sandell. Alex Sandell wrote all the writing on this page. If you copy it, he'll know, since he's so psychic, and all.

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