The 2nd Juicy Cerebellum 99% Accurate Horoscope

I know I amazed you all with my psychic abilities last month, but I'm sure (and by "sure," I do mean sure, I am psychic, remember?) you were asking "can he do it again?" I'm proud to say, with 99% accuracy, "hey, the stars don't lie."

This is the SECOND official Juicy Cerebellum 99% Accurate Horoscope and, following in the footsteps of the first, we're going to give you the truth. How is this done? By calling on the very same amazing powers of observation, determination, and help from the stars (yes, I'm talking about the glowing ones up in the sky, not Mary Tyler Moore in an airplane) used in the first horoscope.

So, read on, and find out what your future holds:

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You'll smell something gross, in a public place, and secretly wonder if it's you.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Somebody's conversation will bore you out of your mind, but you'll pretend to be interested.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You'll laugh out loud, just because everybody else is.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You'll do something stupid and blame it on a chemical-substance.

(May 21-June 20)
Out of the clear blue, you'll feel like it's great to be alive! Then, moments later, you'll realize you were wrong! But, it will be too late, you already conceived.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Jeez, did you ever get stuck with a crappy sign.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You'll feel so lonely that you just have to call up a friend at 2 a.m.. They won't answer the phone, so you'll get really drunk and blow your head off.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Wait . . . getting strange signals here . . . stars aren't in alignment. Be afraid, Virgo . . . be very afraid..

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You'll eat a t.v. dinner and actually proclaim "hey, this isn't bad!" But you'll just be lying.

Scorpio (October 23-November 22)
You'll say something completely inappropriate, and then hope nobody else heard.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 20)
You'll grin awkwardly when you accidentally bump into one of your acquaintance's private parts.

Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
Oh, as if, Capricorn, give it up.

Last month's horoscope

And there it is, a rough-outline of the winding roads you're bound to follow within the next month. Remember, I offer personal, over the phone readings, for only $79.95 a second.

If you have any questions and/or comments about your future, please contact me at:

All writing on this page is 1997 Alex Sandell. Alex Sandell wrote all the writing on this page. If you copy it, he'll know, since he's so psychic, and all.

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