Buffy VS Jag
VS Smallville VS The Simpsons VS Spin City VS The
Gilmore Girls VS That 70's Show VS NYPD Blue VS 24 VS Roswell
VS Guardian VS Three Sisters VS Scrubs VS Fraiser
or: Where the Fuck's a TIVO When I Bloody Well Need One?
Written by: Alex
Sandell, esq.
Network television is becoming sort of like one of those little clown cars at the Shrine Circus, the ones so small you would think two or three people could fit in them, tops, but out comes like ten clowns. Sitting down to two hours of network television used to mean you'd have 6 shows to choose from, max. Last night, there were fourteen. How is this even possible, you ask? I'm still trying to figure that one out. Being that I can only watch one thing at one time and tape another, I wasn't able to catch everything that I wanted to see. What I ended up watching was Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Musical, Smallville (minus the first 8 minutes, thanks to Buffy. I'll get to the reason why later.), The Simpsons Halloween Special, the last hour of NYPD Blue and 24. What I ended up missing, that I wanted to watch, was Scrubs, Frasier, the first 8 minutes of Smallville and the first hour of the two-hour NYPD Blue season premiere. What I didn't get to watch even a second of, but could care less about, because I don't watch anyway, were, Jag, Spin City, The Gilmore Girls, That 70's Show, Guardian, Three Sisters and Roswell.
It is nights like last night that can turn a dedicated couch-potato into a fucking hash brown. By mid-day I was frazzled. By 6 PM, I was frantic. By 6:50 PM, I was fried. I began calling people, asking if they could tape me my fix. No one was around, or they made up lame excuses like that they use an antenna and they can't tape off TV cuz they need to hook the antenna through the VCR and their VCR doesn't have an antenna hookup, which is about the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. Why would you need to hook the antenna up through the VCR to tape the signal off of a TV that has an antenna? Maybe one of you techie type people can tell me if that was truth or an excuse. After going through all of my real friends, fake friends, ex-girlfriends and past friends, I got desperate and hung a "will work for TIVO" sign around my neck and stood in the porch.
By 6:59 PM, I took off the sign, left the porch, and realized that I would have to settle on missing some shows and forever hating UPN for letting the overlong Buffy musical thing run overlong. Instead of ending at 8 PM, like any good Buffy should, it ended at 8:08 PM, cutting into 8:00 PM's, Smallville and the new critically acclaimed series, 24. UPN claimed they didn't want to edit Joss's musical vision, or whatever, but the damn thing would have been better if it had the stupid Willow/Tara song slashed out of it. Without that one song, and that stupid Spike and Buffy kiss, it would have been a PERFECT episode with a PERFECT length. The only reason they REALLY ran it eight extra minutes was to cut into all of the 8 PM shows (a cheap stunt to hold people captive to an exceptionally good episode in what is turning out to be a massive embarrassment of a season for Buffy).
After watching Buffy, which was one song too many away from capturing its former glory (no pun intended), I quickly turned to Smallville. Smallville had its best episode yet, and made me think, "I'm glad I picked this show as the official show of The Juicy Cerebellum". It was cool that you get to see the evil side of Lex Luthor. I also dug the way they handled Clark's first experiences with X-Ray vision. I just wish the show was on HBO, so the chicks in the girl's locker room could have been naked. It came off as pretty staged when Clark happened to catch them all in their underwear (and one wrapped up in a towel. Mmm . . . toooweel). I'm still stuck wondering what happened during the first 8 minutes of the show. From what I gathered, Lex, who wasn't Lex, robbed a bank. Since everyone that visits this page now watches, hopefully someone will email me with the details.
Smallville came to an end and I quickly flipped the channel to NYPD Blue's season premiere. (Is it "premiere" or "premier"?) I think this is NYPD's 35th season. Dennis Franz is the only original cast member, and is now 97 years old. As expected, after 35 years, the show is wearing as thin as Sipowicz's hair. Its revolving door partners for Sipowicz is becoming super annoying and I still like that original freak that thought he was going to be a movie star the best. The episode wasn't that bad, though, and if I saw the whole thing, I may have even given it a weak thumbs up.
After NYPD ended, it was tape time. The event of the night, at least for me, was The Simpsons. This show is starting its 13th season (I'm not kidding), and I'm always worried that it's gonna pull a Buffy and completely lose it, but damn if it wasn't the best show of the evening!!! HOLY POPE ON A ROPE WAS IT GOOD TO SEE A NEW EPISODE OF THE SIMPSONS! This was one of the best Halloween episodes that they've done. I liked it better when they actually played the Halloween episode on, or before, Halloween, but this was well worth the wait! Mr. Burns being swallowed by Smithers the snake was worth the price of the tape this was taped on, alone! The ONLY disappointing thing about the episode is that the creators didn't pick "scary" names at the beginning, as they have all the other years. If you missed this, I just want to say, YOU MISSED OUT! 13 years later and The Simpsons still rule!
The Simpsons ended and the big 30 second countdown to 24 began. The show wasn't nearly as good as the critics made it out to be. I've read quotes saying things like, "this show was better than my first blowjob" and, "somebody pinch me, I must be in Heaven, and this show is God!" Well, all hype aside, this show was slightly above average, but not better than my first blowjob. It got slow in parts, and the annoying multi-screen "CNN Headline News" directing was as idiotic as one of those Republicans in New York who voted for that Bloomberg jerk, yesterday. Still, I'll be back to watch it again next week, and can really see it going places. If they quoted me in one of their ads, the quote would read something like this, "I'll be back to watch it again next week, and can really see it going places."
So, my night of Tuesday television viewing came to an end, and I then wrote this update. Being that I did add a bunch of "VS" to the title, I should probably put everything in order. Here are Tuesday's winners and losers:
This Tuesday's best show: The Simpsons. I'd already put this right up there with some of the best Simpsons' episodes. An instant classic.
This Tuesday's second best show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Most of the show is classic Buffy, and it's also about as funny as they come. I laughed my ass off (and then had to glue it back on, only to laugh it off again, with The Simpsons). The second half wasn't as good, but it was still damn fine entertainment.
This Tuesday's third best show: Smallville. This keeps getting better with each episode. It's actually becoming unbeatable. The only thing that could still top it would be a really good Simpsons, or a special musical Buffy. Unfortunately, the aforementioned were both on, and they won.
This Tuesday's fourth best show: 24. Cheesy beginning filled with fake family chemistry between mother father and daughter. Some boring parts. Icky picture-in-picture style directing. On the other hand, some genuinely tense moments, and a twist of an ending that jolts you out of your seat and leaves you screaming for more. Halfway though you're doubting it, but by the end, this turns out to be one hell of a compelling show.
This Tuesday's worst show: NYPD Blue. I'll give this ONE MORE chance. If it doesn't pick up, I'm gonna have to give up and do something productive during the 9-10 hour.
Now the update is over. I hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to send me any comments that you may have. Thank you, and please come again!
©2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'm going to say "D'oh" and then sue you.