The Incredible Story of Wal-Mart and its Beloved Country*
*Take your pick between Indonesia and Mexico
Written by: Alex Sandell
The slap-happy Wal-Mart whistling idiot has invaded "The Juicy Cerebellum"! At first we thought it was just a temporary virus, but this pathetic advertising campaign seems determined to stay. So, we thought we'd make the best of it, and let him do his dirty work all over this page. Surprisingly, his whistling smile quickly turned into a frown when he found out why "prices" are really dropping at Wal-Mart!
Remember, wherever you see this face: , it isn't prices that are dropping, it's employee wages!
Hey, look how happy this online
Wal-Mart customer is! She received SUCH low prices! How could she
purchase items this cheap??? They MUST be American!
Oh NO! WAGES DROPPING!!!
According to a Washington Post article written on July 30th, 1998, 89% of the "All-American" clothing Wal-Mart sells is made in Mexico and Indonesia for roughly 54 cents an hour! No wonder Wal-Mart can put any "mom and pop" store out of business by using predatory pricing! Maybe you won't feel quite as good next time you buy a "low-priced" item from Wal-Mart. Especially when you know that it was most likely a 17-year-old girl in Indonesia or Mexico working in a 120 degree sweat shop 70-90 hours per week for 54 cents an hour, stitching up those gifts for you! Let me tell you; Wal-Mart isn't "dropping prices" to do you a favor. Wal-Mart is "dropping prices" because Wal-Mart just loves being Wal-Mart, and Wal-Mart wants to be the only superstore in your town!
Damn you, Wal-Mart, you've deceived us again!
Well, at least American workers must be getting paid decent wages, right? Not according to the now deceased Sam Walton, founder of the "Sam's Club" and "Wal-Mart" stores. He admitted in his last book that Sam's Club and Wal-Mart succeeded in part by paying the employees "as little as possible". Nothing like the deathbed to make you think twice, huh, Sam?
Yeah, but the employees are treated well, aren't they? Not really. Most likely due to Wal-Mart's extremely paranoid anti-shoplifting policy (as the richest discount store in the world, don't they have more than a pack of gum to worry about?) two employees were shot dead recently while pursuing a shoplifter. I'm sure Wal-Mart sent the cheapest bouquet of roses it could possibly find. Probably made in Mexico.
Damnit, there must be SOMETHING good going for Wal-Mart, I mean they DO include employees in their dorky advertising brochures, correct? Well, if you think that's a "benefit" (an unpaid one, at that), I guess they have those moronic ads going in their favor.
C'mon, Alex - you're just a cynic, what about Sam Walton's 4 children? They must have listened to his deathbed advice, and turned the store around. They did, didn't they? No. Not one Wal-Mart is unionized, and about 99% of them start employees off at around minimum wage (remember, this corporation makes hundreds of billions per year).
You see, the children, such as Alice Walton, who was just accused of driving while intoxicated, destroying a gas meter and telephone box while cruising around in her brand new Toyota 4-runner, is refusing to pay her fine (which she could pay 10-million times over, with the 6.3 BILLION dollars she made last year), and is actually taking the matter to court, refusing to turn over the small fee, while at the same time just saying "no" to two days of community service, costing taxpayers and civilians both time and money. Like a "Walton" would do something good for the community, such as service. See, they just pretend to care, the spoiled saps.
Oh! Oh! Integrity dropping!
Did I mention her brother (another multi-billionaire who did nothing more than be born) is attending the trial, defending his billionaire sister who asked/demanded police, "you know who I am, don't you? Don't you know my last name?" As though being a pompous bitch makes you innocent. Too bad it didn't sober you up, Alice.
I'm sorry, folks - this is Wal-Mart, and no matter how many prices "drop", they're dropping at the expense of YOU. Do not shop there. Do not GO there. Hitler was a saint compared to these fuckers.
If you want to hear my most recent experience with Wal-Mart (to be mailed out next Tuesday), make sure to sign up for "The Juicy Cerebellum" newsletter by sending an email to firstname.lastname@example.org stating, "hey, some of my best friends are midgets!" You will get approximately 2-3 newsletters per month, all written by me, and I DO NOT, and NEVER WILL sell your name to some bastard corporation such as Wal-Mart.
Trust me, I'm no Sam Walton. Plus, Alice is too drunk to read.
Make sure to visit Bubba Dorkweiner's infamous interview with David Glass, current president of Wal-Mart!
ęCopyright 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without permission, and I'll make sure Wal-Mart's lawyers aren't just suing me over this update!
Back to the table of brains 1998
Back to the mind-map.