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Epileptics, Don't They?
Chapter 2: Skunky Green Budweiser
Written by: Alex Sandell
The requested 30 days went by and I called my doctor's nurse to schedule the required tests. She said it had to be 3 months before I was retested. I reminded her that my liver and cholesterol levels were as high as John Lennon's when he claimed that The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but she stood her ground. So I wondered if she should be checked for Alzheimer's and waited for the 2 months to pass before calling again.
My doctor scheduled the labs 60 days late, but refused to give a standing order (meaning I could go give blood anytime within a period of a week -- without an appointment). He had always ordered me standing orders, before, but he was being stubborn or something. It's not like people are lining up around the block to have needles jabbed into their arms or buttocks. At least not outside of some club in West Hollywood.
I ended up missing the scheduled appt., because a friend of mine's wife left him on the day of my lab appointment and he needed my "moral support" (IE - someone to get drunk with). After an intoxicated night of screaming, "I'm dying! I'm dying!" with my friend chiming in, "I wish I was dead! I wish I was dead!" I sobered up and got back to business.
After the 3 shared pitchers of skunky (and slightly green -- but not in a festive St. Patrick's Day sort of way) Budweiser left my system, I called to get the tests scheduled for like my 1,000th time. I was told by the nurse with Alzheimer's that it had now been 4 months and I would need to visit the doctor before any labs would be ordered. I asked her to look at the levels from my last visit and reminded her that the doctor thought it was necessary that I retake them 3 months ago.
I bickered, sulked and beat Devil May Cry 3 on the PS2, which was one hell of a feat. That game's fucking hard! And the demon guys are all metrosexual -- which is strangely arousing, in a Japanese sort of way! I also pet my dog on a regular basis and occasionally showered. My friend's wife returned to him and he began drinking skunky green Budweiser with her, instead of me. Before I knew it, half a year had passed since the doctor told me that it was essential I repeat my labs within 30 days.
Continued on next page>>>
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©2006 Alex Sandell and The Juicy Cerebellum Inc. [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without permission and I'll damn you to a waiting room for all of eternity. One filled with patients exposed to bad dysentery. Plus the bird flu. And bad gas. The kind that smells like rotten eggs.