Bubba Dorkweiner,
in association with,

Presents:

Helo yit agin, its ure old frend Bubba.  I towld yoo that I didant like ritin' much, but four this ocasion, I thowt it wuz wirth it.  Wat yoo may half hurd is troo, I reely am cuzins with David Glass, Presadant of the famus, all-Amarican Wal-Mart stores!   David Glass sed he wood due an inturvew with me in loo lu sted of puting me in "his wil."  Sinse I dont no wat "his wil" is, I thot this wus a purty good deel.  And David Glass is naught the kind of guy too rip peopel off.  Not my cuzin.  Not the man bee-hind all the smile faces and droping prices at yoor frendly Wal-Mart store.  Any way, on too the inturvew.

*note:   Evin thow I am a good spelir, David wantid too go threw and proofred his stuf, so hhis stuf may bee bettir spelt then mine.  David wuz going too proofred mine, two, butt he decidid naught too, cuz he sed "he's naught used too doing things for othir peopel." 

Bubba:  David, wut wuz the furst thing that went throo yore hed wen yoo fownd out I wuz yoor cuzin?
David:  Why?

Bubba:  Becuz its the furst queshton.
David:  I know, and that's the first thing that went through my head, "why?".

Bubba (slitely confoosed):  Oh.  Next queshton, then.  Wut maid Wal-Mart decide to start censoreing muzik on compact disks and recirds and stuf? 
David:  The first thing, Wal-Mart is a very patriotic store, and we believe in free speech, just as much as the next red-blooded American, from Arkansas.   Wal-Mart has not, and will not censor anything.  Wal-Mart simply believes in the right to choose (unless you're a female).  We simply gave the manufacturer of lyrically-decrepit music an ultimatum:  censor your CD, as we see fit, or we won't sell it.  Simple.

Bubba:  Darn tootin' it iz.  Thoose purvurts shoodn't be putten' out CDs like that in the furst place.  This is Amerika, naught commie-land.
David:  Um (looks around nervously) . . . yeah.  As I was saying, it's a simple choice, and if you don't like it, go buy your CDs elsewhere.  Wal-Mart simply wants to be a family-friendly store.  We don't want merchandise in our stores that contain vulgar language, violence, sex, or anything else that may offend even one of our customers. 

Bubba:  Thatis vary goode.  Althow, it leeds me too my next queshtion.  Why do Wal-Mart stil sel thowse pervertid games, like "Doom," and "Rednek Rampaige?"  *note:  My cuzin David wantid too censir this queshtion, fir sum reasin, butt I remindid him that he doesint beleeve in censirship. 
David:  Well, those games are different, because the Government already placed a rating system on them.  Sure, we don't enforce it, but it's there.  I can ensure you that, if the Government didn't have a ratings system in place, Wal-Mart wouldn't be carrying those games.  Wal-Mart would never carry anything considered offensive, unless there was a rating clearly placed upon its packaging.

Bubba:  Thatis vary goode, two.  Butt wut abowt all thowse durty, swaring, violint, pervurted Stephen King novils you sell?  *note:   Befour ansering this queshtion, my cuzin David said that I'm, "owt of his wil now, fur shur."  I gis I must half maid him supar hapy, by reminden' him of his mistakes.
David:  That's a very good question, Bubba, and one that I've had to dodge answer hundreds of times.  Literature is different, because young kids can't read.  Therefore, we don't have to worry about young children buying a novel in one of our Wal-Mart stores.  Did I mention that Wal-Mart donates 1.3 million dollars every year to environmental causes?

Bubba:  No, you dident, butt that iz vary Christin of yoo.  What do yoo do with the othir 128,664,000,000 dollars?
David:  Oh, we have lots of charities.  Wal-Mart donates approximately 20 million dollars to charity, every year. 

Bubba:  That stil leeves 123,644,000,000 dollers.   Im naught the best at math, Mr. Cuzin, butt I no alotta monee, and thats a lot.   Wear does it go? 
David:  It goes to Hell, you fuckin' retard.  What the fuck's up your ass???  Is it any of your fucking business, anyway?  We censor shit, isn't that good-a-fucking-'nough?  We sell guns, you fuckhead.  We're a conservative's wetdream.  You can order handguns from us!  Doesn't that make you fucking happy, cocksucker? 

Bubba:  Your naught beein a good Christen, David.   Maybee yoo shood think abowt haven' Wal-Mart censir yoor mowth owt with soap.  Shur, sellen' guns to peopel, while at tha same time, censorin' there muzic is a good thing, butt it dos naught make up four almost 124 billien dollers a year.   Wear duz that monee go???
David:  This interview is over, you inbred.  Don't try to reach me ever again, I don't have a "fone." 

At this pointe, David left.  I havant tawked to him sinse, but I know hees busee censoreen thowse games and books by that purvurt, Stephen King.  How cood he naught bee?  Hes my cuzin'.

©Copyright 1998, Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved], because Bubba's too dumb to do it himself. 

go bak too the tabel of branes!

go bak too the mind map!