A very important message from the new me
by:  Alex Sandell

Regular visitors to The Juicy Cerebellum may have noticed that, with the exception of a few scattered updates, I seemed to have disappeared for the past couple weeks.  "Where the fuck are the daily updates?" The more selfish of you have asked.  Questions like, "are you okay?" have came from the more concerned of those amongst you.  Sadly, the majority of people just didn't care. 

"So," you're probably wondering, "where have you been?"  Well, my curious friend, it is time to tell you the truth.  I've been stuck in the basement of a large factory, in downtown Manhattan, where, in an effort to cut back on production costs for action figures, the Hasbro/Kenner toy company, and Taiwanese vegetarians, have been turning me into a midget that consumes only baking soda.  

Why a midget?  Why baking soda?  Did I get any free Star Wars figures?  The answers are, "no," "I have no idea" and, "yes, but I couldn't eat them, because they weren't baking soda."  So, did Hasbro succeed?  Yes . . . and no.

Although they did manage to chemically alter my brain, making me crave only baking soda, and I am a lot shorter, they can't really figure out what good it does them.  At first they thought that if people where shorter, they would turn into Jawas, and buy more Star Wars action figures.  They also thought that if people only ate baking soda, they would save money on food costs, and visit Taiwan, where all Hasbro's products are made (except for the ones made in Mexico, and Vietnam), making Taiwan a vacation hotspot.

It was a grand dream, Hasbro had.  Jawas walking through their 120 degree toy factories, watching exploited workers passing out for .02 cents an hour.   But, it was a dream, nonetheless . . . and I'm still a midget. 

What did I get for this?  Respect?  No.  Love?   No.  A sense of honor?  No.  I got two free action figures (and one of them was Lando), and a toy landspeeder.  They wouldn't even give me a Millenium Falcon.  And now Hasbro/Kenner just walks away, free of guilt.  Just like they've done since they started.  Convincing themselves that I wanted to be a midget, that I had a deep yearning to eat only baking soda, that they had done me a favor

Just like those Vietnamese workers.  Hey, without Hasbro's gracious offering of .02 cents an hour, where would they be?  Out on the streets, that's where.  And, that cancer they get from the toxic fumes, that's just an incentive to make them work faster, and get out of the factory ASAP.  (Hasbro's lawyer wants me to state that, "although the cancer rate is higher in Hasbro's factory employees, than it is in the general population, Hasbro takes no responsibility for their actions, there is no conclusive proof that the fumes from Hasbro's toys cause cancer.  And no, you can't have a free Millenium Falcon, for printing this.") 

And, what about all the Americans that Hasbro/Kenner could hire, for a decent wage?  They don't want to work, they're too busy writing stupid homepages for free.  Gee, even Hasbro pays better than that.   

You know the routine, just click it.


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