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Free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on
Written by: Alex Sandell
Free Thing # 1
Migraines - Live at CBGB's CD
I'll admit that, until I received this CD, I had never heard the Migraines. Friends of mine said that I'd love them, and I had had a migraine before, but I just never got around to listening to the band. I was thrilled to get this CD, not just because it was free, but because the cover alone embodied all that punk was, is, and ever will be: 3-chords, CBGB's and a six-pack of beer. Sure, there isn't a single guitar on the cover, or even one can of beer, but I have a vivid imagination. I rushed home, popped it in my CD player, and jumped around a lot. Here's what I was thinking, as I performed my makeshift aerobics:
Song # 1: I Wanna be a Ramone - You can just about guarantee that any CD that starts out with a tribute to the legendary Ramones is gonna be a good thing. You could probably question the punk rock validity of some compact disc that kicks in with an honorary homage to Offspring, Green Day or Blink-182, but the Ramones? That's punk rock. As a matter of fact, anyone introduced to punk through the Ramones should get a gold star, or something. They started it all; why shouldn't you start with them? When I heard Eddie Migraine shouting out all of the Ramones' "greatest hits," I realized how much that band meant to me. When he mentioned Sheena is a Punk Rocker, it made me melt. That used to be "our" song, back in high school. She didn't know it; but that's a whole 'nother story. Fuck "old-school." Fuck "new-school." This song is a fuckin' classic created for all of us "middle-school"* punks.
Song # 2: P.C. Girl - I've hated politically correct people long before it was politically correct to do so. This song spews forth words of wisdom about some bitchy P.C. Girl who would get all uppity over my use of the "sexist" word "bitchy." The music ain't too shabby either. Actually, it's one of my favorite songs on the CD. Fast music for fast people to slam by.
Song # 3: I Killed Punk Rock - This is my favorite song on the CD. When I can afford one of those CD-R things, I'll definitely add this to my "Alex's-favorite-songs-of-all-fucking-time" compilation disc. "All you need to do to declare you're a punk rock girl is to declare that you are one." So true, so true. I've met sooooooooooo many fifteen-year-old chicks (remember, I had sex with NONE of them. Hey, the FBI could be reading this.) at punk rock shows wearing a punk band's patch on their jacket, "even though they only know one song." Punk is becoming more and more image, and less and less punk. If there was any justice in the world, this song would change all that. This CD is worth buying, just for the intro. to this one, alone.
Song # 4: What's Wrong With You - After the "shout-along" beginning, we kick into that sweet Ramones' three-chord riff we all know so well. If you're not familiar with that sweet Ramones' three-chord riff we all know so well, you'll have know idea what I'm talking about. Tough shit. Get some good taste in music.
Song # 5: She Bought New Boobs - Anyone that's gotten laid by me, is familiar with me, or has caught me staring at them from the other side of the room, knows that my God, if there is a God, takes the form of a gigantic tit. I worship breasts. I live for them. I suck on them. They complete me. Of course, I'm a sucker (hehe) for this song. The great title sucks (heh heh) me in, and the wonderful "1-2-3-4" opening keeps me there. When are breast implants going to be covered by the major health insurance companies? This is a necessity, folks. Free implants may be the one thing that both men and women can happily agree on. Artificial milk pockets are next. If they pulled it off right, the milk could be chocolate, or even strawberry. Mmm . . . artificially flavored miiiiiiiiilk.
Song # 6: Fraternity Boy - Great "old-school" chorus for all you "rebellious" people dressing stupid out there, and pretending that you hate your mom and dad, while gladly letting them cover the tuition costs. College boys, Grateful Dead and Violent Femmes' fans are all made fun of. What could be better?
Song # 7: I'm a Wuss - This band reminded me of the Vindictives from song number one. This tune validates all of those simple reminders. Very Vindictives' sounding. A little slower than the first half of the CD; but how could I put down a song that rhymes "wuss" with "puss" and runs less than 2 minutes?
Song # 8: Sell Out (Where Do I Sign?) - Sloppy Seconds had a song with nearly identical lyrics. I don't know which came first, but somebody's ripping somebody else off. I like the Sloppy Seconds' version better. This one is still pretty cool.
Song # 9: Men In Black - All 3-chord bands seem like they have gotta include at least one song about stupid shit like monsters and aliens; Migraines prove to be no exception. I hate songs about monsters and aliens, unless Groovie Ghoulies are singing them. The Migraines are no Groovie Ghoulies when it comes to writing lyrics about things from another world. This is the worst song on the CD.
Song # 10: Betty Crocker, Punk Rocker - "Eat that muffin." What a line. What a world. This song is a masterpiece, no matter which band does it. Originally performed by Furious George. I'm sure Tabb had a hard-on when Migraines' played it live.
Song # 11: Hungry Like a Wolf - Another remake; this time using Duran Duran junk as the source material. It's 10 times better than the original; meaning it only "kind-of" bites.
Song # 12: Start Procrastinating - Lyrics could be the theme song to my life (and you wonder why you haven't seen an update in four days), but music is a little too slow (I guess that's appropriate, if you study the title) and poppy for my taste. Would probably be a lot better if it didn't come directly after the wimpy Duran Duran remake.
Song # 13: Shut Up - Ending the CD on a high note with this defiant number was a wise move. I totally love this song. "Shut the fuck up." Good message.
OVERALL RATING - Migraines' Live at CBGB's gets 8.57 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10.9 ejaculations. I'd recommend this CD to anyone, without any guilt. If you want to order it, send an email to SickDuckRecords@juno.com and they'll send you a price. You could also just send $10.00 to: SICK DUCK RECORDS; PO BOX 5051; FT. WAYNE, IN 46895 USA. Trust me . . . you won't regret it.
HEY!!! Do you have something to promote? I'll review ANYTHING**. Fanzines, magazines, CDs, DVDs, videos, toys, comic books, novels, nude photographs; whatever you send me, I'll review it! I can't promise a GOOD review, since some of things you send me will indefinitely suck shit, but I CAN promise a review, and an address where a person can find the thing I'm reviewing. Even if I hate the damn thing, you're still getting free promotion! It doesn't even have to be a product that you're involved with! If you've got something you'd like on The Juicy Cerebellum, send it to:
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Text ©(Copyright) 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll have Regis fucking you nightly, without the monetary reward.
Migraines' CD cover is copyright the Migraines.
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