After months of sweaty palms, deep thinking, and shortness of breath . . . the wait is over!!!  Today, the winner is announced! 

And the winner is: 
Ross Gianfortune

Congratulations, Ross!  Your email reading "hi" will be sent within seven-ten weeks.  Sure, I could have picked a female, and gotten laid, but where's the integrity in that?  She'd only want me for my prizes.  Now, I 'spose you wanna see the profound thought that came from a mind brilliant enough to deserve an email reading, "hi?"   Well, it's your day (especially if you're Ross).

The winning "profound thought" is: 
"I like to poop." 

"I like to poop . . ." so simple, yet - it says so much within its simplicity.  "I like to poop . . ." a thing that we've all done, and a feeling we can all identify with.  "I like to poop . . ."  sitting back on that toilet seat, magazine in hand, just waiting for that first fart to announce, "relax, buddy, this isn't going to take any brains."  "I like to poop . . ."  when those first tangy fumes hit your nose, you know, "this is gonna be a good one."  "I like to poop."  Yes, Ross . . . I think we all do. 

I'm sorry to all you non-Rosses out there that lost.  But!  No need to worry!!!  All the profound thoughts that were sent in will be included in Thursday's update, "Total losers, and their 'thoughts.'" 

Sure, some of yours were more clever, witty, or better thought out than Rosses', but the word "poop" makes me giggle like a gay guy ending his virginity in a Vidal Sassoon commercial (I betcha he doesn't like pooping much, at least for a while).  So, don't think of yourselves as "losers," think of yourselves as people who didn't win.  All because the idiot judge has a thing for poop. 

*Don't forget to come back and see all the thoughts everyone will think should have won, on Thursday!*   

jeez, my profound thought was way better than that, you dick.  Get me the fuck outta here!

All this poop 1997 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved], with the exception of the great Ross "profound thought," and I'm not sure if he likes copyrighting his poop, or not.


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