The World Wide Wrestling Federation,
In Association with Public Television Broadcasting
and "Pig's Eye" Beer presents:

The First Ever Minnesota debate
between the two announced
2002
gubernatorial candidates!
Featuring:
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
VS.
Randy "Macho Man" Savage


Jesse "The Body" Ventura (left) and Randy "Macho Man" Savage are here now, and ready for the
gubernatorial fight of their lives!

Laaaaidiiiieeees and gentlemeeeeeen, you are about to witness the first ever debate to take place online between two future Minnesota Gubernatorial candidates . . . Jesse "The Body" Ventura (current Governor-Elect) and Randy "Macho Man" Savage (current Slim Jim sponsor)! In the left corner, we have Jesse "The Body" Ventura weighing in with no political knowledge under his belt, and even less common sense! In the right corner, making really stupid faces, we have Randy "Macho Man" Savage.

Tonight's panel consists of Big Bird, long-time star of "Sesame Street", Mr. Rogers, star of his own children's show, appropriately titled, "Mr. Rogers", Bubba Dorkweiner, columnist for The Juicy Cerebellum, and finally, as a last minute replacement for Tonya Harding, Alex Sandell, creator/editor of The Juicy Cerebellum.

Now that everyone has taken their seats, in a show of "strength", let the deeeeeeeeeeebate begin!!!

The first question, through a fair and accurate selection process known as "pulling straws", is directed toward Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and asked by Big Bird:

Big Bird: Mr. "The Body", it has came to my attention, through survey after survey, anywhere from the Minneapolis "Star Tribune" to St. Paul's "Pioneer Press", that over 90% of your voters do not know where you stand on the issues, or what your agenda as Governor will be, yourself included. Won't you be a little uncomfortable moving into the Governor's Mansion not knowing your head from your ass?

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Aren't you a little uncomfortable not knowing your sex?

*Wild cheers from the audience*

Big Bird: You're not really answering the question.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Do I ever? I'm no career politician!

*The audience goes crazy and begins throwing chairs and slam-dancing, all the while chanting, "Jesse, Jesse, Jesse!"*

Randy "Macho Man" Savage now has 30 seconds to reply:

Randy "Macho Man" Savage: I don't know anything either.

*Audience hisses*

Randy "Macho Man" Savage: RIP INTO A SLIM JIM! (Randy throws numerous Slim Jim meat snacks into the frantic audience.)

*The audience cheers. One member is overheard yelling, "hey, maybe Randy can help our state, after-all!" It seems people agree*

*Jesse, not one to be upstaged, begins throwing free cases of "Pig's Eye" into the group. One audience member is killed. This isn't going to look good on his record.*

The next question is directed toward Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and asked by Alex Sandell:

Alex Sandell: In the last question, Mr. Bird stated that you had no agenda. While being a fairly accurate statement, it is not entirely true. You have stated numerous times that you want to cut out all social programs, including those to help the disabled, and even take away child-care subsidies for the young and defenseless. Are you sure you have no agenda, or is it just that you don't have a heart?

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: As I have said, if you are smart enough to go to college, you are smart enough to pay for it. It is true that I want to take away anything that may help those down on their luck turn their luck around. Medicare for the sick and elderly will be stomped out, along with financial aid and, as you mentioned, any child-care subsidies. I feel that people can get the money they need from friends and neighbors.

Alex Sandell: In all due respect, Mr. Ventura, not everybody is friends with Arnold Schwarzenegger. The average person does not have hundreds of thousands of dollars to borrow a friend if their child goes into a coma, or is hit by a car.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Then they can just use Medicare and child-care subsidies.

Alex Sandell: But you want to take away Medicare and child-care subsidies.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: I'm no career politician!

*Audience goes crazy, cheering wildly*

Randy "Macho Man" Savage now has 30 seconds to reply:

Randy "Macho Man" Savage:

*Cricket heard chirping*

The next question is directed toward Randy "Macho Man" Savage, and asked by Mr. Rogers:

Mr. Rogers: Mr. Savage, you may or may not know that your opponent supports concealed weapons and lessening restrictions on handguns. We all know that this would not make for a "beautiful day in the neighborhood" and I am wondering if, as Governor, you would stand for the same things?

Randy "Macho Man" Savage: My ads are going to be even better than Mr. Ventura's! There's gonna be a Barbie to go along with my doll, if you get my meaning.

*Audience whoops and yells out obscenities*

Jesse "The Body" Ventura now has 30 seconds to reply:

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: I believe Randy is indicating the famous "Jesse" doll is a virgin. Trust me, my doll's already had Barbie, next she's going for GI Jane!

*Audience doesn't get it*

The next question is directed toward Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and asked by Bubba Dorkweiner:

Bubba Dorkweiner: I votid four yoo and now I heer all this stuf abowt how yoo r takin' my helth cair awaay and how yoo thinc peepol smart enuff too go too colige shood be smart enuf to get fineancil ade. Wut if yoo are not smart enuff too git it?

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Finally, someone of my mental caliber! Thanks for your vote, man! I says, if you are not smart enough to go to college, become a seal . . . a Navy Seal!

Randy "Macho Man" Savage now has 30 seconds to reply:

Randy "Macho Man" Savage: Forget being a "Seal", rip into a Slim Jim!!!

*Audience shouts out its approval, as Randy flexes his muscles and makes stupid faces*

The next question is directed toward Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and asked by Big Bird:

Big Bird: Mr. "The Body", why are you masturbating?

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Just to show the world what a "jerk-off" Mr. Savage is!

*Audience goes nuts, and begin removing their clothing*

Big Bird: This is the Internet, no one can see you.

*Jesse stops and zips his Zubaz back up. The audience begins stage-diving.*

Randy "Macho Man" Savage now has 30 seconds to reply:

Randy "Macho Man" Savage: *Zips up pants*

The next question is directed toward Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and asked by Alex Sandell:

Alex Sandell: Dear Mr. Ventura, you seem more than able to throw out snappy one-liners that please rednecks and illiterate morons alike, but you have yet to actually spell out, in detail, how, and when, any of your "promises" will be enacted. In your first few days as Governor-Elect it seems you have went against the small amount of commitments you initially made. You slammed your Republican opponent, who would have also been a terrible choice for Governor of Minnesota, Norm Coleman for wearing a suit and tie, claiming that you opt to "dress like a normal person". Still, since your November 3rd victory, you have appeared in nothing but suit and ties, much like Mr. Coleman. You swore to do your entire radio-show on KFAN the morning after you were elected, but only managed to make it for one hour, electing instead to do interviews with a bunch of morning shows which have nothing to do with Minnesota. Not only that, you spent the rest of the morning allowing a "career politician" to show you around the Governor's Mansion. Speaking of which, since your appointment as Governor, you have repeatedly stated that you are "not" a "rebel" and want to work with all the "career politicians" you slammed so heavily during your campaign. I am sure this came as a shock to many of your supporters who had bought T-shirts from you, such as the one reading "Tear the Government Down". Why have you so quickly gone against so many of your promises? Have you, yourself, already turned into a "career politician"?

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: I'm no career politician!

*Audience goes into expected fanatics. Drunk girl takes her shirt off and throws it at the stage.*

Alex Sandell (continuing): In regards to the limited agenda which you have released, I am curious as to how you plan on "increasing" the level of education for children by cutting back class sizes to one teacher per 15 students (an idea which you stole from the Green Party), and giving Minnesota kids the "best" education they can receive, while, at the same time, vowing to lower taxes, take away financial aid, and decrease school administrative budgets? Wouldn't this be an impossible task, being that it is, indeed, taxes that pay for the very students you claim to support? The taxes you swear you'll eliminate?

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: This reminds me of a lesson I learned during my time as a wrestler; "you have to learn how to lose, to actually win."

Alex Sandell: That doesn't answer my question.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: This debate is over.

Alex Sandell: But I haven't asked you how you could run as Governor without having a clue as to whom you'll select for your administration, why you think running on a bunch of soundbites is better than running on issues . . .

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: I run on THIS! *flexes right arm* Now, as I said . . . this debate is over!

Randy "Macho Man" Savage now has 30 seconds to reply:

Randy "Macho Man" Savage: I requested no difficult questions.

*Both candidates walk off the stage*

And that's all there is. Keep checking back regularly during the next four years to see the latest in interviews, political stances, how Jesse is doing as Governor, and yet more debates with the two wrestling candidates! Signing off . . .

*audience gets into massive fight. 75 wounded, 32 dead.*

ęcopyright 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, I'll get a hold of Randy and convince him you're a Slim Jim!

Back to the table of brains 1998

Back to the mind-map.